Being present with Someone Who has Cancer
When someone finds out they have cancer, they need support. They’ve been blind-sided, frozen in time and place, trying to absorb the shock of a lifetime. This is when the smallest deed can make the biggest difference. People may not know how to ask, yet you need not wait until they do.
Normally, you don’t show up at someone’s home without calling first. That is a conventional friendship rule. However, trauma changes rules, so you may be surprised at how welcome you are if you just show up.
Years ago, I learned a close friend of mine was diagnosed with a nasty cancer. It was a split-second decision to get to her. We hugged and cried. I took the dog for a walk, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and threw in a load of laundry. I stayed for a while with her and her family, then left. Other friends and family came by frequently over the next several weeks to help however they could.
It can be hurtful when those you expect to show up don’t, yet those with whom you’re not that close, do. It can be a challenge for a cancer patient because, during your catastrophe, you must learn to extend grace. We don’t always know what others have been through, nor do we know how our tragedy has affected them. Instead, we find comfort and care through those who do show up and provide support.
One thing I have learned during my 40+ years of nursing is that cancer has a way of breaking down barriers and exposing our humanity. No matter our façade, when confronted with mortality, we humans crave support from and the comfort of others. If you know someone with cancer, being present for them doesn’t mean you have the right words or know what to do, but that you can sit beside them and just be there.
When you get to the point that you feel able to help, what can you do? Here’s a list written by cancer survivors:
Offer to drive them to appointments, treatments, or procedures.
Keep a package of tissues handy.
Make small meals that will freeze well.
Give gas gift cards.
Send a funny card, one that has nothing to do with cancer.
Offer to clean house, mow the lawn, do laundry.
Send homemade healthy snacks.
Give a warm blanket and pillow for chemotherapy sessions.
Find them a short, uplifting book….the funnier the better.
Take them out to eat. Don’t make them choose a place; just pick one.
Cancer is confusing and overwhelming; it disrupts lives. However, it can also renew past relationships, forge new friendships, redefine life priorities, and inspire feelings of gratitude for things previously taken for granted. So, when you hear of someone you know who has gotten a cancer diagnosis, make the effort to go see them, and just be present.
Please note: The Leo Cancer Care technology is not yet clinically available and will not treat patients until the required regulatory approval has been achieved.